Woh, emotional blog part 1

I have never learned to accept failure as an option. I grew up thinking that I would accomplish every task I set up for myself and every task which was given to me. Not only would I accomplish said task, but I would do it with the highest quality possible. There was no half-assing allowed in my reality. This created a perfectionistic nightmare for me later on. I could not face the idea of not being the best, of people thinking I was not intelligent, of being deemed stupid. This is my insecurity. I feel people look down on me for my major, for my way of life, because of my appearance, and for many other reasons. I do not know, yet, how to counteract these feelings. Perhaps they are in my head, but I can recall certain points in my life where I have felt marginalized for the reasons above.

I have confidence in myself; some might say too much confidence. People do not, however, see how frustrated and defensive I get about dance, theory, etc. I would very much like to be taken seriously in my fields of research, and I am tired of feeling like a second-class collegiate student because I'm a dance major. Why is it that when I say I'm planning on going to grad school for dance theory, that people ask me if I'm going to teach at a studio five minutes later? I just cannot get it through my head.

Maybe I am not meant to understand other people's points of view on this subject. I, myself, have changed greatly in the last 5 years in reference to my own thoughts about dance, feminist, queer theory. I see the intersections, the importance, the problems, and I know where I would like to fit in. I will make my case and write, as it seems to be the only way in which the "educated" can communicate.

I don't know perhaps the point of this blog, but I do know that I would like to stop being insecure about my intellect. I go to one of the top research institutions in the U.S.; I could be working with one of the greatest dance scholarly minds in the 21st century; I am training in several fields to further substantiate my arguments. I need support from my friends, from my family, from my peers if I am to make this happen.

Do I think I can change the world? I don't know...I don't know if I want to. Do I think I can enhance the opinions of many students, scholars, and dancers? I do hope so. We write from where we are, who we are, what we know. I am a queer, dancing, white male in the 21st century. This is my grounding. I will use theory to "objectively" analyze work, but I cannot escape myself, my body, what is at stake for me.

What is at stake for me? I am still figuring that out.

i'm too old to work with bitches

Yesterday I had a meeting with my dance mentor Ananya Chatterjea. We were winding down our meeting when I remembered an article by Brenda Dixon-Gottschild that I had read for Ananya's class. In the article, "Some Thoughts on Choreographing History" which is found in the book Meaning in Motion: New Cultural Studies of Dance edited by Jane C. Desmond, Brenda talks about a white, female choreographer who complains to her saying that she is "sick and tired" of Brenda's critique of irresponsible writing of dance historians. Brenda later goes on to point out that after having a conversation with this person, the writer was later able to open up and examine more thoroughly her own work. When I asked Ananya if she knew who this person was who Brenda described, she said that Brenda had never told her--Ananya was Brenda's student and close friend.

What struck me was what Ananya said after. She said that Brenda had dealt with a great deal of hardships in writing about Balanchine, one of her main focuses. As a woman of color who was writing about the Africanus presence in Balanchines' work, she found herself unable to even gain access to certain venues. Ananya made a strong point to me after this. She said that she is too old to work with bitches. What has the world of academia, specifically dance studies become encapsulated in? We MUST make friends in this business if we are to make a difference. Being catty, bitchy, or overly defensive about your work will get you no where, and will make the already prejudiced audience even more put off by the field.

We must must must work together, stop being defensive, and collaborate to create a web of powerful, critical writers. Critically looking at each other's work will help us, but taking things personally will only arrest our development...haha, funny!

This is my CALL TO ACTION. Let's stop being accusatory and combative and start being critical and nurturing. I'm only 23 and I'm already tired of the bitches.

I'm out

Goodbye Dance Revolutions

Yesterday was the last day of our University Dance Theater's Dance Revolutions concert. It's the big hooplala for the dance program. The pic is of the piece I'm in. I'm the one in the front left most downstage (which in this case is closest to the body). The piece is called "Impetus" and is choreographed by Nathan Trice, a budding New York choreographer.

For those of you who don't know much about dance, let me just say I am going to try to enlighten the experience of the performer in this context...what goes into making a 2 hour dance show that runs for 3 days.

It's the first week of school, which correlates exactly to the first week of September this year. The dance majors (and some non-majors) crowd into a small, dark studio which is overly-crowded and full of anxiety and nerves as practically no one has prepared well enough to jump right back into the rigourous 1.5 hour class 4 days a week schedule that is Modern 7/5. Today, and for the rest of the week, we audition for our placement into which level of modern we are placed. Modern 7 is advanced modern, while Modern 5 is intermediate. By the third day, we start to feel it. Our hamstrings are tighter, legs feel heavier, but we feel stronger. The first week back is always a bitch...nothing feels good and you can only remember how good you were last May when you left. Why didn't I dance at Zenon more over the summer?!

The first Saturday is the worst. It's UDT auditions...if I don't make it, I have no worth as a dance major, right? Why would I even want to be a dancer if I can't make it into UDT?! I hope at least one of the choreographers likes me. I should wear something that makes me stand out...but I should try to dress ooshy gooshy because Bebe Miller will be there....omg, is Trisha Brown going to be there? I'm so nervous. We all get to the audition and hear Carl Flink, our "fearless leader" tell us about the process. 4 artists, 4 studios, 4 hours...and callbacks after. Intensity is key.

First on to Nathan Trice, an African American choreographer from New York with a military history and Alvin Ailey training. He sounds like Uri, like last year. Intensely physical, technical movement. Counts to six, long legs pointed feet, lines, etc. Fluidity through hyperphysicality. Balletic? Hortonish... 45 minutes. I think he liked me. He looked at me, and said good when I did a leg thing. He had me do it again too...that's a good sign. Good way to warm up for the day.

Next on to Karen Sherman and Morgan Thorsen. Karen's a New York choreographer and Morgan's a Twin Cities choreographer. They're life partners doing their first time collaboration. We start the audition with some theatrical improv. Much more comfortable audition. Then on to a hyper crazy phrase. Very physical, but different from Nathan's phrase: more disjointed, more separated, more fragmented. They looked at me this time too. Good UDT thus far. Maybe I'll get called back for this one too.

Next on to Bebe Miller's piece. Erin Thompson, famous modern dancer and our teacher, is running the audition. We learn the phrases. Do them...I'm not as good at this one and I can tell. More monkey, and my legs were tired and sore and I couldn't find my monkey...it was hard for me. It always is. Very beg, luscious movement. Beautiful even. Not sure about making this one.

Last audition with Trisha Brown. Will and Katrina, two former company members, are doing the audition. The piece is Set and Reset. We learn a phrase and start going. We get to do it twice in the 45 minutes. It's hard to get into. Much less energy than the other pieces. Hard to do last after all the nerves. Trying to empty the body. We started with a great and fun movement improv, though. Very fun and ineresting.

Everyone's done and now on to the callbacks. I made 2! Nathan's and Karen and Morgan's. Dance big and hard and show how well you can do it. Make them remember you. We don't have time to review the phrases and must just jump in and do them again. I feel good about it. Wait til tuesday to see the cast list.

Tuesday is here, and I'm in Nathan's piece! There are four guys, 3 seniors and a freshman...hooray, this piece seems the most diverse agewise. We don't start rehearsals until end of October. I'll jump ahead now to our rehearsals.

We show up on the first day, scared. We don't know who the understudies are. This is still and audition. We learn a phrase. The final phrase of the piece. It takes over 2 hours. Nathan is a drill sergeant, to say the very least. Everything must be precise, the way he wants it. It's intense. The next three weeks are much like this...hearing "no, no, no, again, no, no, no, again." It never really feels good enough. We learn most of the material in the first week, then we find out who's in the piece. It's intense. I'm in! All the guys are in. We start setting it on Saturday. Finally, it seems less stressful. We don't have to dance constantly. That first week was as sore as I've been in my life. I literally felt like a walking corpse. No energy and completely sore. I needed a massage every night just to fall asleep. I was a little pathetic.

The second week and third week were cleaning. Cleaning with Nathan equals running it and stopping every few seconds. Nothing is good enough. We can always do better, but we should not try to master it. We need to keep exploring. The final day is here and we have our showing! Finally, people get to see our hard work. it feels good. We wear our costumes, which makes the dance harder. The costume pulls on my hip hiker muscles causing my pelvis to tilt, which hurts my back and stomach. I have to compensate by flexing my abdominals constantly. Here we come six-pack.

After the showing, we have a few runs and rehearsals with Toni Pierce-Sands, but Nathan is gone. We leave for Winter break for a break. We come back and have rehearsal right away. It does not feel as good and easy as it did before. But we will get it back. The second run felt better. It just kept getting better.

Tech rehearsal times. Every night we'd have a run. We're the last piece so we have to stay late each time. We have one 9-11 p.m. rehearsal on a Friday, which we find they've lost all the data on it the next day. The computer had an error and we had to re-record. A Friday night lost...which resulted in a Saturday sitting at the Rarig center for about 6 hours with nothing to do. Dress rehearsals went pretty well, but one of our dancers was sick. She got better for the show, though. Preview, opening night, kids show, saturday night, and sunday matinee and we're done. Such a long process for such a short run. It's sad and terrible to be over.

In conclusion, we rehearse, practice, audition, work hard for you to see 20-30 mintues of a piece. I hope you all appreciate it because it is truly what we love to do. I hope that shows also. The piece is killer, and I want to vomit each time I finish, but it's worth it for the feeling of pure energy while doing it. Some pieces started rehearsing right away and their processes have been even longer. Just remember that a dancer's process is so long and you should really appreciate a concert next time you go...if you'd never thought of it that way before.

Trashtastic

I must first apologize for my brief hiatus from the blogging community. I was incredibly busy with my crazy schedule for the University Dance Theatre's production Dance Revolutions. My focus of this blog today is the youth's obsession with being "trashy". I have spoken many times with my friends about what defines trashy. I suppose in order to define such a concept, we must decide what its opposite would be. I, for this purpose, would say "classy" is the opposite of "trashy".

Where I see a large growth of the "trashy" type is in the gay community, specifically because I belong to it, am surrounded by it, and attempt to critically analyze it as much as possible. Where does the line fall between the two? I do not pretend to say that I have not acted trashily; I have, myself, danced on the blocks at the saloon, made out with a stranger, etc. I do feel, however, that the attitude we each, as individuals, feel toward the trashy attitude is becoming lax. I once thought that gay men were the epitome of class. Wearing expensive clothes, shopping at good stores, eating good food, drinking good wine...but this was all for show, and perhaps the trashy side was hidden.

It is not more than acceptable to portray the trashy side to the public. Myspace nudey photos, hypertannedsuperthin bodies fill clubs, myspace and facebook profile pics. What troubles me is that it all seems a game. Whoever can attain the trashiest, fakest, bitchiest, sluttiest, easiest image wins some sort of game, for which the winner obtains a certain reputation. Again, I do not pretend to think that I do not have a reputation, but I know that it is not always warranted. Bitchy, jealous queens spread rumors, which, I suppose, should be a compliment. I do not know how to react, though.

It's scary how fast the gay male is becoming what the "stupid girl" of the high school experience was. Look pretty and act dumb. Look young and stay thin. Where did this all come from? Why does it really matter? I'm tired, annoyed, and over all you overtanned menaces in the clubs. Really, I am. It looks as fake as your cropped, retouched, posed facebook/myspace pic.

Bloody Rights

I hope to have quite a few posts like this in the future. This is my main area of interest, I suppose. In my class last night, GLBT 3301, GLBT Social Movements in the US, we discussed those things inside and outside of the movement. I thought I made two rather intelligent additions to the lists, for inside I said "identity" and for outside I sad "heterosexual hegemony". One of the more striking responses to outside the GLBT Movement was the Red Cross in reference to the discrimination against gay males donating blood.

Of course, the idea is not that if you are male and have a sexual orientation of gay that you cannot give blood, it is merely that you cannot donate if you are a man who has had sex with a man since 1974. WTF?! I mean seriously...What about all the introvenous drug users, straight people who sleep with prostitutes, people who have had multiple partners? In the beginnings of the AIDS pandemic, this legislation possibly had some value. It appeared that HIV was only affecting homosexual men, and having to throw away blood is expensive.

One student in my course made the argument that this is basically an economical function. The blood drives test the blood in pools of 100 donors, and if one batch is infected, the entire batch must be thrown out. This student, while sexual orientation is not known, was not male. I feel it is often easier for someone to be discriminative when outside of a group. She claimed that it is not discrimination, rather a sensible practice.

What I am trying to argue is that we should create some other sort of prescreening test which would better detect those who are at high risk for HIV. Statistics show that gay men get tested more regularly for STIs and HIV than straight men. And of course, woman should not be prescreened in this fashion, because that would be gender discrimination...wtf?! If you are opposed to discrimination, you should attempt to see it from all sides...consider the rights of more than just your group.

I, as a gay male, have tested more than once as HIV negative. If the US suddenly becomes in dire need of blood, I feel they will perhaps look to the gay male community again. Where will we be? Is it suddenly our responsibility to help a country that has discriminated against us? If the legislation changes for another reason, that is another story entirely.

The screening criteria is outdated, prejudiced, and discriminatory and needs to be changed.

Rules of Academia

So this semester has started with a bang. It's the first day, and I'm already exhausted. Yay! This semester has the potential to be the most challenging of my college career...and I was a vocal performance major.

My classes are as follows:

GLBT Literature: Queer Ways of Knowing
Sexuality and Culture
Gay Men and Homophobia in American Culture
(Re)Writing the Dancing Body
Composition 5
Modern 8
GLBT Social Movements

Each class, besides the Modern 8, has about 6-8 hours of work outside of class per week. I just got my reading list for my GLBT Lit course, and it's 10 novels, plus numerous articles on WebCT...how exciting...I really think I should just lock myself in a room and read for the rest of the semester...and write my senior paper...oh yes, I'm also writing my senior paper, which is about 50 pages in length and performing in UDT and going to ACDFA...I really do hope to be alive by the end of May...most people call it insanity...I call it normal.

Jean Freak

It's time again for back to school shopping. I'll be heading to the Mall of America this coming Thursday to shop for my new spring clothes. I probably won't get much, but a few essentials are necessary for this semester/spring, I feel.

For men, it is slightly imperative to have a good bootcut jean. I know men don't get as many options as the females when it comes to denim, or really anything else in clothing for that matter, but a good pair of denim is worth a little spending money. I have a few suggestions.

For those of you who can spare the extra money, and are willing to pay a little more for your jeans (or a lot more for that matter), you should look into the wonderful Rock & Republic denim selection. These jeans are tailored to the tall, thin man -- and if you are such a man, you understand how difficult it can be to find a good pair of denim. If you live in the Minneapolis-St. Paul neighborhood, you can find a nice selection at Metropark in Mall of America. At this same store, one can find the True Religion denim line. The last three higher-priced denim lines which I will recommend are Diesel, Replay, and 7 for All Mankind. These last three have Jeans for all body types. Diesel and Replay are Italian Brands and have many of the latest trends. You can find a good skinny jean in any of these locations.

For the man with the lower budget, which is most people I know, including myself, I recommend denim that fits similarly to these jeans. You can normally find pretty quality denim at the Buckle. You don't have to buy a pair of Guess Jeans or Lucky Jeans, but the BKE brand is actually quite nice. Levi Jeans have recently begun making newer and better jeans which are more trendy, such as the skinny jean. My first pair of skinnies come from Levi, and cost me only $24. That's a pretty good deal for a good pair of jeans. One of my favorite stores of all time is H&M. Here, you can find the perfect jean for almost any occasion and they are really pretty fairly priced. There is always something on sale in retail...just look for the deals.

If you are a girl, I actually reccomend all the same jean companies, plus Citizens and Express. I know I work at Express, but for women, we make a really good, comfy, and classy jean. For the more feminine man, we also make a DPD collection for women, which fits remarkably similarly to those 200 dollar plus designer jeans I linked to above. These jeans are around $100, but it's a nice hundred saved, and they look amazing.

I didn't mean to be a Jean-freak, but I think that's all I can post for right now. I love jeans; my boyfriend has gone as far as calling me a denim whore...what can I say, I appreciate some quality jeans. There truly is a perfect fit for everyone, no matter what size or shape. The tighter, the better, sorry guys and girls. If they're baggy, they just make you look bigger than you actually are, so stop trying to hide your body.

Honestly, one thing I've found more fascinating than anything is the idea that if we wear baggy clothes, maybe people will think we're less fat. This DOES NOT WORK. It makes you look frumpy, tacky, and huge. Wear clothes that fit. There should not be excess fabric in the wast, chest, thighs, or whatever. Unless you are looking at a silhouette which utilizes such fabrics. Babydolls are no longer maternity tops ladies...it's ok to wear them.

Ok, that's it. I hope this is better than that horrible fashion section in the daily by Mr. Leth. I'll leave with this Rock & Republic fashion show. They are truly my favorite jean.

project runaway

Last night was an extremely dramatic episode of the extremely popular Project Runway, which airs Wednesday nights on Bravo, if you have not already started watching. It's a reality television series which centers on the designer creating outfits each week. It's dramatic, larger than life, and full of wonderful personalities.

My favorite contestant to date, is Jack Mackenroth. He hails from Seattle, but was actually born in Minneapolis (yay us!). He is a professional athlete and openly homosexual. He swims in the gay games and is open about his positive HIV status. Jack is also a very talented designer. His work can be found both on his website and on his Myspace. I am a particular fan of his menswear collections. It's trendy and very practical. I would wear it in an instant.

What is most troublesome about Jack's departure from this season of Project runway was the fact that he left not due to a poor design, but to a Staph infection in his face. He had to leave the show to get intense treatment for five days, which prompted the producers to bring back Chris, a large, costumey gay man. I was rather upset. Jack was talented. He had won a challenge and was never in danger of being in the bottom. He could've and possibly would've made it all the way to fashion week. I feel it is in the producers' best interest to allow Jack back on to the show next season, OR to give him another chance by putting him back in later. They have done it in the past, and they did it with Chris. He is so talented, and I feel he is such a positive role model for HIV positive, gay men and gay men in general.

Cheers to Jack, and poo the producers. Below I will leave you with one of his amazing videos on youtube. Hilarious.

Saturation

Last night my roommates and I were sitting in our living room watching some priceless television when we hear an all-to familiar sound. The drip drip drop of water coming through our ceiling fan and bathtub. I'm sick of it, really. If I could, I would turn the water off to the woman who lives above us. Ridiculous.

I'm now watching the Today show, and they're talking to a woman who is in charge of the Ford Models, and they asked her "Can you tell if someone will make it when they walk in the door?" She promptly replies, "Yes, and personality has nothing to do with it. You can tell if their features will work right away." It's funny because the woman wasn't so beautiful. Who decides what is beauty, what is sexy, what is model-accepted? Couldn't we just change the cameras or like something else in a model? Is it really just cheaper to make smaller clothes? Less fabric? Last night Phillip and I were having a discussion about gay men and their roles in defining masculinity/femininity. For if we are truly "acculturated" to think of certain things as masculine or feminine, these ideas must come from somewhere. Ideas of masculinity and femininity used to be learned in a setting such as Dance lessons, where one learned proper ettiquete, and ways to be masculine or feminine. Now, we look to television.

The idea of the feminine comes from the fashion. Who is, for the most part, in charge of fashion? The gay male is in many cases the head of fashion. There have always been dressmakers, costume designers, drapers, dance teachers, etc. The straight male is often "in charge" of the realm of masculinity, whereas the gay male is relegated to that of femininity. The ebb and flow of homophobia in western culture (and non-western cultures for that matter) is a good measure of the level of masculinity in a society. The less homophobic a culture is, the less gendered a society will seem. The recent rise of "metrosexuality" is, in my humble opinion, an attempt to degender a certain demographic.

As Phillip put it, the straight male is the one who loses. He has three options.
1) He has sex with a gay male
2) He lets the gay male define masculinity
3) He defines masculinity, leaving the gay male to define femininity and what is sexy to them.

I leave you with this thought. I am not trying to take away power from women, by any means, in this theory. It is just interesting where we learn our gender stereotypes? Are gay men acting like women, or are women acting like gay men? When will we all realize that gender stereotyping is just a waste of energy that we could be using to save the environment?

Wear a fricking jacket, you stupid teenagers!

Addendum

Today on my walk to work, it was 0 degrees and felt like negative 18 degrees.

I think California sounds better and better. Why do I live in this arctic hellhole?

I'm way tired.