Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas Eve to y'all. I've been feeling better these last few days, which probably explains my lack of blogging. Well, that and my internet at home has decided to stop working. I love that. I pay 30 dollars a month for nothing. I'm truly considering switching services to Qwest, even though I've heard such terrible things. What's a boy to do?

In a meeting the other day with my boss, who also happens to be one of my professors, she reminded me of everything I've done this semester, which made me start to think of the entire year. It's been one hell of a 2008. When did the bar of excellence suddenly get placed at the level of graduate work for me as an undergrad who's also doing University Dance Theatre pieces? I feel like a grad student with a ridiculously busy undergrad's schedule...this basically equals zero time for anything...or equalled rather. I lost all sense of self this past year, became lost in theory because I had to in order to survive the rigours. I'm not trying to say poor me or anything. I just put myself through a lot of shit, and really for what? I don't feel any different...maybe smarter? Idk. What do I have to show for it but huge circles under my eyes and no money because I have no time for a job? What do you think will become of me next year? I hope it's less stressful and more successful? I mean, fuck, I've never accomplished more in my life, but I'm only 24. I don't have to rush to get it all in now. Maybe I'll write a novel, a collection of short stories, or your papers for you.

One half hour of work and then I'm off for the week. Hopefully I'll have internet in that time. If not, I'm sure I'll find some coffee shop or something to post here. My heart, brain, sanity all need it.

thoughts from a post-it

If my internet starts working again today, I'll post this blog.

I'm writing it on one of those sticky notes you can put on your computer. I don't like word documents; they feel too much like homework. This morning I woke up thinking about him again. It's been a month now, and it was his birthday on Thursday. Wednesday was a good day, though. I felt good, independent, happy. Today, I feel kind of blaze, tired, lost. It isn't enough to know that each day gets easier; it's a lie we tell ourselves to get through the one we're in. When do we stop telling lies and start looking at truths? What are the truths though? No one has the same truth; it's all a complicated web of intersubjectivity. In the betweens is where truth lives, which is why we can never find it, never feel it, never taste it. Why do crazy people like me, then, constantly try to find it? What's the use? What difference does it really make to know the truth rather than looking at the consequences? I guess I'd like to think in truth lies knowledge, the knowledge of why that escapes all understanding.

I used to think I could make myself into an optimist, a person who looks happily on things, someone with a positive outlook on the future, on the present, and on the past. This was just a lie I told myself. I still dream, I still live in that dream world but I can separate it from reality. I am a walking contradiction. I suppose most people are. The more people I know the less I want to know them.

Head cold in December

It's warm underneath all my layers. I cover up my body so you can't see my face. It doesn't make sense and everyone can actually see it but I continue to do so. When I was little and ashamed of my body, I would wear heavy clothes, double extra larges and baggy jeans. Now I wear double extra smalls and jeans that my junk hardly fits in. What happened to me in the 10 years?

I was informed yesterday that I think too much. I think too much about time, about age, about life, about what I want. I should just think about something else, he says. I cannot describe the impossibility of that order. I can't think about something else. I can't not think. I think too much, all the time, every day, overanalyze. Don't other people do the same thing? How do they survive? How do they not fall into circles of ideas, of paradigms. I slip into the romanticism of ideologies because I can understand them, I can know them. I suppose I live in the theoretical when I'm depressed; I'm not sure if that's what I am right now. It's been worse; much worse. This isn't just about him. If it were, I could be ok. It's just a lot of things. A lot of nonsense that I can't site Said or Foucault about. Maybe I should learn how to do such a thing. Apply theory to my life isntead of everyone elses.

No thanks, too much work. I hate sitting in class and not having anything to do. We're lighting pieces and I did mine on Friday. Just sitting here blogging. And my scarf is making me so warm. I'm jumping out now. I'll be back later today. This thing is gonna get real full real fast.

shit

I want to be a hermit.

I want to curl up and stop feeling. My heart is done, it's reached its limit. I'm starting to want to close everything down, making everyone far away. Too many people have ripped it out. I've ripped it out. I'm so dramatic right now it makes me ache. I shouldn't write when I'm like this but I have no one to talk to, I cannot tell you this. I cannot tell him this. I cannot tell anyone. Slowly eating away at me. I feel my eyes start to close and see his face.

ramblings

Here we go.

So not well-documented so much. I haven't written in a while.

I saw Wicked last night downtown. Every time I see a Broadway caliber musical, I rethink my decision to give it up. I was always given parts, at least in the chorus, and I seem not to have much for prospects in the dance community at least as of yet. Voice lessons anyone? I should find a sugar daddy to fund me. For real, life is too fucking expensive. My dignity is less important than my career. haha. jk? Not quite sure anymore. What does it matter anyway? If i don't believe in heaven or hell what should it matter, right? I don't know.

Maybe I should write in here more. Maybe I should stop just sitting around and do something with my life. Although, I'd argue I am...just wtf am I doing though? Trying like hell to graduate so I can start a dance company and work at the wonderful Target Corporation I suppose would be my ideal job. Or Best Buy. Both very gay friendly, not just tolerant.

Well that's all for today, kids. I've grown up without realizing it. 24 here. I started writing blogs when I was 18. 6 years later, I'm no different. It's all an illusion. Wiser? maybe. More independent? perhaps. More mature? never. Now I'm just living alone, with a cat, able to drink, make my own decisions. I'm still that boy though. The one who was afraid to be who he was.

A little thing called love

In an instant I find myself searching for that thing which I've never been able to grasp. It's neither the first nor the last time I'll feel this way for you, and I continue to believe that my love for you will not end in a mere moment. Glimpses of perfection muddled by perpendicular bisectors refracting bliss.

I believe it was first through Moulin Rouge where I encountered this phrase. "Love is a many-splendored thing". I've had this certain fascination with love lately for which I can't quite find the reasoning. Where is the origin of love? What does it come from? If you know me, you know I don't believe in God, so I'm not going to buy that God gives us love. Modern perceptions of love can of course be shaped and formed by such idealizations as fairty tales with happy endings and even more recently, Disney films. While these cultural phenomena have not surprisingly shaped the romantic comedies of the present, they do not perhaps depict the origin of this thing called love.

Who really knows where it comes from? What can really be said about it's physiological as well as psychological effects on each and every one of us? Why is it that we feel a certain change when we find "the one"? I'm not sure I really believe in anything called love, but I am certain that I have most definitely felt the overwhelming effects. Perhpas my graduate research could be on the performativity of love or some nonsense like that. It's not nonsense really, but it seems so interesting to me.

sex and the city pre-game

Tonight is the big Sex and the City movie preview. I'm not sure if I could be any more excited. I'll be wearing some shiny silver skinny pants and a black mini t with the sex and the city logo on it. I will look absolutely ridiculous, and I should probably be wearing a big belt as well. I'm refusing to read any reviews until after I see the movie. I want no spoilers... I really would like to be genuinely surprised by the end of the movie. Will she end up marrying Big? I'm not really sure if that would be the perfect ending. Phillip has come up with the idea that perhaps they don't get married, but stay together. The end of the book has the two breaking up with Big marrying someone else. The book, though, is quite different and really only covers about 1 season of the 6 something season television series which has increasingly complicated their relationship. I'm just set and waiting. The fashion is going to be amazing, the men are going to be undoubtably gorgeous, chris noth is a dream man, just like all of Carrie's men.

In other news, I went tanning yesterday at Lifetime. Basically, I'm sort of like a tomato right now; I look really ridiculous, and it was really hard to sleep last night. I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I do love Lifetime, though. I recently upgraded to a Gold membership so I can access more exclusive clubs...ooooooooh. haha. The gym that's closest to my apartment is a gold gym and it's in the Target Center in downtown Minneapolis. It's huge, full of everything anyone would ever need to work out, and best of all, it's never completely crowded like at the rec center at the University of Minnesota.

I think the last thing I'll talk about today is the end of my mini-vacation. I start my 8-4:30ish job on Monday with a week of orientation and UHP training. I learn almost everything there is to know about the University and advising policies and practices along with all the colleges, activities, scholarships, services, etc. Since I'm a returning peer, I get to help out with the training. I'll be doing the sample role play, which I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do because we're changing the way we advise now. So, I'll be an experienced improviser more like.

Ok, I have to get showered and ready for the day...my last half day for a while.

Brent

marrowly offensve

I can't quite figure out why I'm awake at 7:19 on a Wednesday morning when I don't have to work. I have this stupid little theory about myself that when I have something to wake up for I cannot get out of bed, but the instant I have time to sleep in, I wake up early and can't fall back asleep. I'm still pretty tired, but lying in bed trying to fall asleep doesn't seem very appealing. The Today show will have to keep me company while I thrust out my slowly developing thoughts.

I know I write about this all the time, but I'm really getting tired of how heterosexist this stupid country, and really most of the world is. In the last week of school at the U, a bone marrow donor clinic which came testing for possible donors parked itself outside the dance building. I was asked several times to sign up before I decided to go up and ask a few questions. I asked what kind of questions were asked of donors, and they said they only ask about medications being taken. When I said I'd think about it, they handed me a brochure with more information. On this brochure, on the very front page, was a section devoted to those at risk for HIV/AIDS. This question, apparently is asked. Maybe the numbers have changed in the questioning. Have you had homosexual sex in the last 4 years? (males only). There was the question. Yet, I found several of my friends, who I knew to be gay taking the test...some claiming virginity as the reason, but why subscribe to something so blatantly homophobic? The numbers have been changing people...HIV/AIDS is not just a gay disease. Even old people in Floriday get it. As I wrote before, the legislation surrounding blood, and apparently bone marrow, need to change to reflect the actual data. I KNOW I'm HIV negative because I get tested. Come on, let's be less prejudice, ok?

Props to California, though. It's not the world, but gay marriage is one step in the right (or left) direction.

Ciao

summer of fun

So it's almost the technical beginning of summer. My parents always said summer doesn't start until after Memorial Day, and I'm beginning to believe that's true for Minnesota this year. The weather has been less than satisfactory, at least when I've been able to venture outdoors. Granted, I've spent much of my time inside working at honors, express, or at the dance building. Yes, Summer 08, for me, is going to be the summer of endless work. I'll be working about 40 hours a week as a peer advisor at University Honors Program at the U. I'll be working near 15 hours a week at Express as a fashion expert this weekend. I'll be doing about 5 hours a week at my internship with Ananya Dance Theatre, and I'll be taking two summer courses through the U, Principles of Nutrition, an online course, as well as Modern Fiction, where I'll be reading mostly high-school level books.

If there's anything I can cut it's Express, but in some way I really don't want to. I love the people I work with and the discount I get on the clothes, and sometimes I even like what I'm doing. Most of the time, though I just hate heading to Rosedale in the middle of a weekend outing. Mostly, though, I'll just need time to myself to relax, to really let my brain and body cool down a bit. I haven't decided one hundred percent what I'm going to do, but I have to know soon. Maybe I'll try a week of it all and see how it feels. Mostly, I think it'll feel like hell...hopefully I will be wrong.

Lastly, I am in search of an apartment. A single-bedroomed apartment for my own in a little uptown neighborhood would be nice. I just need room for my little queen-sized bed, a my big tv, and a desk. And maybe lots of wine. If anyone has any leads on where I could live, it would be greatly appreciated. I'd really prefer to live alone, mostly because I've never done it before. I think it'll be a good experience, and hopefully Jeff, Phillip, Elizabeth, Aaron, or whoever will be over most of the time so I can have some company and never get too bored or lonely. I'd consider living with my friend Jake, but he's being a douche...just kidding.

Anyway, Talk Sex with Sue Johanson is on, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to concentrate.

Ciao

a gay fairytale

Tonight I finished my marathon, 4 month run of Sex and the City. In January I bought the series, hoping to watch it from beginning to end before the big movie comes out. My best friend Jeff and I began watching the episodes in late January, hoping to get a season done per weekend, while taking some weekends off. The story of single woman in New York who write a column about sex in her endless search for love is the premise of the show. She and her 3 best friends are successful, beautiful women who are all searching.

Perhaps it's the writing of a generalized character, the fact that I wish my life were a movie, or maybe just crazy coincidence, but I began to notice so many crazy parallels between myself and the character Carrie Bradshaw. My computer crashed the week hers did. She got a pink cell phone, and I carry a pink cellphone. She has a Mr Big, and I apparently do too. Looking through my life as a single gay male in Minneapolis, who is working on becoming a writer (a different kind of writer, of course) but one who is enthralled by fashion, lives beyond his means, and who has a man who is incredibly hard to read and will never fall out of love with.

I really can't say that I can spoil the end of the series for anyone, but I would like to call into question the possibility of my gay fairytale. When will it happen for me? Will I too have a russian, a berger, and my eventual Mr Big sweeping me off my feet in Paris? The one thing I do know is that for people like me and Carrie Bradshaw, the possibilities and fantasies contain more romance than any number of karats on a necklace.

I couldn't help but wonder...

Leaving the U this morning to come home from class I began to think about my place in the queer community, my gender, my privelage, my erasing, my assimilation. We move in such a visual world that is is impossible for us not to see the differences between us. Why is it then, that so many people believe that they know no gay people? Statistically speaking, there is most likely at least one gay person for every nine in the world, a statistic which is slightly problematic as it refers to sexual practice instead of sexual identity. How, then do "invisiblize" these bodies from our consciousness? What is it that gay people themselves use as gaydar? Why can't heterosexuals see this as well? Is there something in the unconscious erasing of sexuality that is taught to us when we are younger that erases these qualities for some and intesifies them for others? I couldn't help but wonder if queerness really can be seen in the body and how people attempt to erase it or ignore it.

I decided to conduct my own social experiment while getting off the city bus while on my way home from class one day. I was wearing purple skinny jeans, a rainbow hat, a houndstooth scarf, big white sunglasses...really, the excess which I would define as queer, was readily visible and seen. Walking to my next bus stop to catch my transfer, a group of "thug"ish men walked by and one said mockingly "nice pants." I smiled coquettishly, replying "Thanks." I shifted my plans, deciding to take a walk down Nicollet mall, the center of Minneapolis downtown and the heart of the business world, performing my sexuality loud and proud.

What I found as I walked was neither alarming nor new, at least not to a gay man who's dealt with these glares since 5th grade. My posture was pristine, my strides long and confident, no one could stop me. I decided to walk four blocks on the streets, where I received a good amount of attention. People would stare, smile, laugh, snicker, get on their cell phones. Several people even talked to their friends about me, as if I couldn't hear them, but my presence was acknowledged.

When I decided to move up to the skyways, the downtown traffic network for business, corporation types where I was noticeably erased. It was as if I wasn't there. The few looks I did get were quickly averted, looking at the ground as they walked by. Even the other men and women who I would've identified as queer and would've normally made eye contact with would erase me and fail to make a connection. What made these people so different than those on the streets? How was I so easily erased and invisiblized?

This idea of invisibility is key to the histories of those who have been ignored, erased, and pushed to the streets. Whose history do we read in the books? That of the middle class, skyway-business types or that of the queer man walking through them? Bodies do not just slip through the cracks, falling off the historical map, they are pushed into them, writing them out of their own histories.

Woh, emotional blog part 1

I have never learned to accept failure as an option. I grew up thinking that I would accomplish every task I set up for myself and every task which was given to me. Not only would I accomplish said task, but I would do it with the highest quality possible. There was no half-assing allowed in my reality. This created a perfectionistic nightmare for me later on. I could not face the idea of not being the best, of people thinking I was not intelligent, of being deemed stupid. This is my insecurity. I feel people look down on me for my major, for my way of life, because of my appearance, and for many other reasons. I do not know, yet, how to counteract these feelings. Perhaps they are in my head, but I can recall certain points in my life where I have felt marginalized for the reasons above.

I have confidence in myself; some might say too much confidence. People do not, however, see how frustrated and defensive I get about dance, theory, etc. I would very much like to be taken seriously in my fields of research, and I am tired of feeling like a second-class collegiate student because I'm a dance major. Why is it that when I say I'm planning on going to grad school for dance theory, that people ask me if I'm going to teach at a studio five minutes later? I just cannot get it through my head.

Maybe I am not meant to understand other people's points of view on this subject. I, myself, have changed greatly in the last 5 years in reference to my own thoughts about dance, feminist, queer theory. I see the intersections, the importance, the problems, and I know where I would like to fit in. I will make my case and write, as it seems to be the only way in which the "educated" can communicate.

I don't know perhaps the point of this blog, but I do know that I would like to stop being insecure about my intellect. I go to one of the top research institutions in the U.S.; I could be working with one of the greatest dance scholarly minds in the 21st century; I am training in several fields to further substantiate my arguments. I need support from my friends, from my family, from my peers if I am to make this happen.

Do I think I can change the world? I don't know...I don't know if I want to. Do I think I can enhance the opinions of many students, scholars, and dancers? I do hope so. We write from where we are, who we are, what we know. I am a queer, dancing, white male in the 21st century. This is my grounding. I will use theory to "objectively" analyze work, but I cannot escape myself, my body, what is at stake for me.

What is at stake for me? I am still figuring that out.

i'm too old to work with bitches

Yesterday I had a meeting with my dance mentor Ananya Chatterjea. We were winding down our meeting when I remembered an article by Brenda Dixon-Gottschild that I had read for Ananya's class. In the article, "Some Thoughts on Choreographing History" which is found in the book Meaning in Motion: New Cultural Studies of Dance edited by Jane C. Desmond, Brenda talks about a white, female choreographer who complains to her saying that she is "sick and tired" of Brenda's critique of irresponsible writing of dance historians. Brenda later goes on to point out that after having a conversation with this person, the writer was later able to open up and examine more thoroughly her own work. When I asked Ananya if she knew who this person was who Brenda described, she said that Brenda had never told her--Ananya was Brenda's student and close friend.

What struck me was what Ananya said after. She said that Brenda had dealt with a great deal of hardships in writing about Balanchine, one of her main focuses. As a woman of color who was writing about the Africanus presence in Balanchines' work, she found herself unable to even gain access to certain venues. Ananya made a strong point to me after this. She said that she is too old to work with bitches. What has the world of academia, specifically dance studies become encapsulated in? We MUST make friends in this business if we are to make a difference. Being catty, bitchy, or overly defensive about your work will get you no where, and will make the already prejudiced audience even more put off by the field.

We must must must work together, stop being defensive, and collaborate to create a web of powerful, critical writers. Critically looking at each other's work will help us, but taking things personally will only arrest our development...haha, funny!

This is my CALL TO ACTION. Let's stop being accusatory and combative and start being critical and nurturing. I'm only 23 and I'm already tired of the bitches.

I'm out

Goodbye Dance Revolutions

Yesterday was the last day of our University Dance Theater's Dance Revolutions concert. It's the big hooplala for the dance program. The pic is of the piece I'm in. I'm the one in the front left most downstage (which in this case is closest to the body). The piece is called "Impetus" and is choreographed by Nathan Trice, a budding New York choreographer.

For those of you who don't know much about dance, let me just say I am going to try to enlighten the experience of the performer in this context...what goes into making a 2 hour dance show that runs for 3 days.

It's the first week of school, which correlates exactly to the first week of September this year. The dance majors (and some non-majors) crowd into a small, dark studio which is overly-crowded and full of anxiety and nerves as practically no one has prepared well enough to jump right back into the rigourous 1.5 hour class 4 days a week schedule that is Modern 7/5. Today, and for the rest of the week, we audition for our placement into which level of modern we are placed. Modern 7 is advanced modern, while Modern 5 is intermediate. By the third day, we start to feel it. Our hamstrings are tighter, legs feel heavier, but we feel stronger. The first week back is always a bitch...nothing feels good and you can only remember how good you were last May when you left. Why didn't I dance at Zenon more over the summer?!

The first Saturday is the worst. It's UDT auditions...if I don't make it, I have no worth as a dance major, right? Why would I even want to be a dancer if I can't make it into UDT?! I hope at least one of the choreographers likes me. I should wear something that makes me stand out...but I should try to dress ooshy gooshy because Bebe Miller will be there....omg, is Trisha Brown going to be there? I'm so nervous. We all get to the audition and hear Carl Flink, our "fearless leader" tell us about the process. 4 artists, 4 studios, 4 hours...and callbacks after. Intensity is key.

First on to Nathan Trice, an African American choreographer from New York with a military history and Alvin Ailey training. He sounds like Uri, like last year. Intensely physical, technical movement. Counts to six, long legs pointed feet, lines, etc. Fluidity through hyperphysicality. Balletic? Hortonish... 45 minutes. I think he liked me. He looked at me, and said good when I did a leg thing. He had me do it again too...that's a good sign. Good way to warm up for the day.

Next on to Karen Sherman and Morgan Thorsen. Karen's a New York choreographer and Morgan's a Twin Cities choreographer. They're life partners doing their first time collaboration. We start the audition with some theatrical improv. Much more comfortable audition. Then on to a hyper crazy phrase. Very physical, but different from Nathan's phrase: more disjointed, more separated, more fragmented. They looked at me this time too. Good UDT thus far. Maybe I'll get called back for this one too.

Next on to Bebe Miller's piece. Erin Thompson, famous modern dancer and our teacher, is running the audition. We learn the phrases. Do them...I'm not as good at this one and I can tell. More monkey, and my legs were tired and sore and I couldn't find my monkey...it was hard for me. It always is. Very beg, luscious movement. Beautiful even. Not sure about making this one.

Last audition with Trisha Brown. Will and Katrina, two former company members, are doing the audition. The piece is Set and Reset. We learn a phrase and start going. We get to do it twice in the 45 minutes. It's hard to get into. Much less energy than the other pieces. Hard to do last after all the nerves. Trying to empty the body. We started with a great and fun movement improv, though. Very fun and ineresting.

Everyone's done and now on to the callbacks. I made 2! Nathan's and Karen and Morgan's. Dance big and hard and show how well you can do it. Make them remember you. We don't have time to review the phrases and must just jump in and do them again. I feel good about it. Wait til tuesday to see the cast list.

Tuesday is here, and I'm in Nathan's piece! There are four guys, 3 seniors and a freshman...hooray, this piece seems the most diverse agewise. We don't start rehearsals until end of October. I'll jump ahead now to our rehearsals.

We show up on the first day, scared. We don't know who the understudies are. This is still and audition. We learn a phrase. The final phrase of the piece. It takes over 2 hours. Nathan is a drill sergeant, to say the very least. Everything must be precise, the way he wants it. It's intense. The next three weeks are much like this...hearing "no, no, no, again, no, no, no, again." It never really feels good enough. We learn most of the material in the first week, then we find out who's in the piece. It's intense. I'm in! All the guys are in. We start setting it on Saturday. Finally, it seems less stressful. We don't have to dance constantly. That first week was as sore as I've been in my life. I literally felt like a walking corpse. No energy and completely sore. I needed a massage every night just to fall asleep. I was a little pathetic.

The second week and third week were cleaning. Cleaning with Nathan equals running it and stopping every few seconds. Nothing is good enough. We can always do better, but we should not try to master it. We need to keep exploring. The final day is here and we have our showing! Finally, people get to see our hard work. it feels good. We wear our costumes, which makes the dance harder. The costume pulls on my hip hiker muscles causing my pelvis to tilt, which hurts my back and stomach. I have to compensate by flexing my abdominals constantly. Here we come six-pack.

After the showing, we have a few runs and rehearsals with Toni Pierce-Sands, but Nathan is gone. We leave for Winter break for a break. We come back and have rehearsal right away. It does not feel as good and easy as it did before. But we will get it back. The second run felt better. It just kept getting better.

Tech rehearsal times. Every night we'd have a run. We're the last piece so we have to stay late each time. We have one 9-11 p.m. rehearsal on a Friday, which we find they've lost all the data on it the next day. The computer had an error and we had to re-record. A Friday night lost...which resulted in a Saturday sitting at the Rarig center for about 6 hours with nothing to do. Dress rehearsals went pretty well, but one of our dancers was sick. She got better for the show, though. Preview, opening night, kids show, saturday night, and sunday matinee and we're done. Such a long process for such a short run. It's sad and terrible to be over.

In conclusion, we rehearse, practice, audition, work hard for you to see 20-30 mintues of a piece. I hope you all appreciate it because it is truly what we love to do. I hope that shows also. The piece is killer, and I want to vomit each time I finish, but it's worth it for the feeling of pure energy while doing it. Some pieces started rehearsing right away and their processes have been even longer. Just remember that a dancer's process is so long and you should really appreciate a concert next time you go...if you'd never thought of it that way before.

Trashtastic

I must first apologize for my brief hiatus from the blogging community. I was incredibly busy with my crazy schedule for the University Dance Theatre's production Dance Revolutions. My focus of this blog today is the youth's obsession with being "trashy". I have spoken many times with my friends about what defines trashy. I suppose in order to define such a concept, we must decide what its opposite would be. I, for this purpose, would say "classy" is the opposite of "trashy".

Where I see a large growth of the "trashy" type is in the gay community, specifically because I belong to it, am surrounded by it, and attempt to critically analyze it as much as possible. Where does the line fall between the two? I do not pretend to say that I have not acted trashily; I have, myself, danced on the blocks at the saloon, made out with a stranger, etc. I do feel, however, that the attitude we each, as individuals, feel toward the trashy attitude is becoming lax. I once thought that gay men were the epitome of class. Wearing expensive clothes, shopping at good stores, eating good food, drinking good wine...but this was all for show, and perhaps the trashy side was hidden.

It is not more than acceptable to portray the trashy side to the public. Myspace nudey photos, hypertannedsuperthin bodies fill clubs, myspace and facebook profile pics. What troubles me is that it all seems a game. Whoever can attain the trashiest, fakest, bitchiest, sluttiest, easiest image wins some sort of game, for which the winner obtains a certain reputation. Again, I do not pretend to think that I do not have a reputation, but I know that it is not always warranted. Bitchy, jealous queens spread rumors, which, I suppose, should be a compliment. I do not know how to react, though.

It's scary how fast the gay male is becoming what the "stupid girl" of the high school experience was. Look pretty and act dumb. Look young and stay thin. Where did this all come from? Why does it really matter? I'm tired, annoyed, and over all you overtanned menaces in the clubs. Really, I am. It looks as fake as your cropped, retouched, posed facebook/myspace pic.

Bloody Rights

I hope to have quite a few posts like this in the future. This is my main area of interest, I suppose. In my class last night, GLBT 3301, GLBT Social Movements in the US, we discussed those things inside and outside of the movement. I thought I made two rather intelligent additions to the lists, for inside I said "identity" and for outside I sad "heterosexual hegemony". One of the more striking responses to outside the GLBT Movement was the Red Cross in reference to the discrimination against gay males donating blood.

Of course, the idea is not that if you are male and have a sexual orientation of gay that you cannot give blood, it is merely that you cannot donate if you are a man who has had sex with a man since 1974. WTF?! I mean seriously...What about all the introvenous drug users, straight people who sleep with prostitutes, people who have had multiple partners? In the beginnings of the AIDS pandemic, this legislation possibly had some value. It appeared that HIV was only affecting homosexual men, and having to throw away blood is expensive.

One student in my course made the argument that this is basically an economical function. The blood drives test the blood in pools of 100 donors, and if one batch is infected, the entire batch must be thrown out. This student, while sexual orientation is not known, was not male. I feel it is often easier for someone to be discriminative when outside of a group. She claimed that it is not discrimination, rather a sensible practice.

What I am trying to argue is that we should create some other sort of prescreening test which would better detect those who are at high risk for HIV. Statistics show that gay men get tested more regularly for STIs and HIV than straight men. And of course, woman should not be prescreened in this fashion, because that would be gender discrimination...wtf?! If you are opposed to discrimination, you should attempt to see it from all sides...consider the rights of more than just your group.

I, as a gay male, have tested more than once as HIV negative. If the US suddenly becomes in dire need of blood, I feel they will perhaps look to the gay male community again. Where will we be? Is it suddenly our responsibility to help a country that has discriminated against us? If the legislation changes for another reason, that is another story entirely.

The screening criteria is outdated, prejudiced, and discriminatory and needs to be changed.

Rules of Academia

So this semester has started with a bang. It's the first day, and I'm already exhausted. Yay! This semester has the potential to be the most challenging of my college career...and I was a vocal performance major.

My classes are as follows:

GLBT Literature: Queer Ways of Knowing
Sexuality and Culture
Gay Men and Homophobia in American Culture
(Re)Writing the Dancing Body
Composition 5
Modern 8
GLBT Social Movements

Each class, besides the Modern 8, has about 6-8 hours of work outside of class per week. I just got my reading list for my GLBT Lit course, and it's 10 novels, plus numerous articles on WebCT...how exciting...I really think I should just lock myself in a room and read for the rest of the semester...and write my senior paper...oh yes, I'm also writing my senior paper, which is about 50 pages in length and performing in UDT and going to ACDFA...I really do hope to be alive by the end of May...most people call it insanity...I call it normal.

Jean Freak

It's time again for back to school shopping. I'll be heading to the Mall of America this coming Thursday to shop for my new spring clothes. I probably won't get much, but a few essentials are necessary for this semester/spring, I feel.

For men, it is slightly imperative to have a good bootcut jean. I know men don't get as many options as the females when it comes to denim, or really anything else in clothing for that matter, but a good pair of denim is worth a little spending money. I have a few suggestions.

For those of you who can spare the extra money, and are willing to pay a little more for your jeans (or a lot more for that matter), you should look into the wonderful Rock & Republic denim selection. These jeans are tailored to the tall, thin man -- and if you are such a man, you understand how difficult it can be to find a good pair of denim. If you live in the Minneapolis-St. Paul neighborhood, you can find a nice selection at Metropark in Mall of America. At this same store, one can find the True Religion denim line. The last three higher-priced denim lines which I will recommend are Diesel, Replay, and 7 for All Mankind. These last three have Jeans for all body types. Diesel and Replay are Italian Brands and have many of the latest trends. You can find a good skinny jean in any of these locations.

For the man with the lower budget, which is most people I know, including myself, I recommend denim that fits similarly to these jeans. You can normally find pretty quality denim at the Buckle. You don't have to buy a pair of Guess Jeans or Lucky Jeans, but the BKE brand is actually quite nice. Levi Jeans have recently begun making newer and better jeans which are more trendy, such as the skinny jean. My first pair of skinnies come from Levi, and cost me only $24. That's a pretty good deal for a good pair of jeans. One of my favorite stores of all time is H&M. Here, you can find the perfect jean for almost any occasion and they are really pretty fairly priced. There is always something on sale in retail...just look for the deals.

If you are a girl, I actually reccomend all the same jean companies, plus Citizens and Express. I know I work at Express, but for women, we make a really good, comfy, and classy jean. For the more feminine man, we also make a DPD collection for women, which fits remarkably similarly to those 200 dollar plus designer jeans I linked to above. These jeans are around $100, but it's a nice hundred saved, and they look amazing.

I didn't mean to be a Jean-freak, but I think that's all I can post for right now. I love jeans; my boyfriend has gone as far as calling me a denim whore...what can I say, I appreciate some quality jeans. There truly is a perfect fit for everyone, no matter what size or shape. The tighter, the better, sorry guys and girls. If they're baggy, they just make you look bigger than you actually are, so stop trying to hide your body.

Honestly, one thing I've found more fascinating than anything is the idea that if we wear baggy clothes, maybe people will think we're less fat. This DOES NOT WORK. It makes you look frumpy, tacky, and huge. Wear clothes that fit. There should not be excess fabric in the wast, chest, thighs, or whatever. Unless you are looking at a silhouette which utilizes such fabrics. Babydolls are no longer maternity tops ladies...it's ok to wear them.

Ok, that's it. I hope this is better than that horrible fashion section in the daily by Mr. Leth. I'll leave with this Rock & Republic fashion show. They are truly my favorite jean.

project runaway

Last night was an extremely dramatic episode of the extremely popular Project Runway, which airs Wednesday nights on Bravo, if you have not already started watching. It's a reality television series which centers on the designer creating outfits each week. It's dramatic, larger than life, and full of wonderful personalities.

My favorite contestant to date, is Jack Mackenroth. He hails from Seattle, but was actually born in Minneapolis (yay us!). He is a professional athlete and openly homosexual. He swims in the gay games and is open about his positive HIV status. Jack is also a very talented designer. His work can be found both on his website and on his Myspace. I am a particular fan of his menswear collections. It's trendy and very practical. I would wear it in an instant.

What is most troublesome about Jack's departure from this season of Project runway was the fact that he left not due to a poor design, but to a Staph infection in his face. He had to leave the show to get intense treatment for five days, which prompted the producers to bring back Chris, a large, costumey gay man. I was rather upset. Jack was talented. He had won a challenge and was never in danger of being in the bottom. He could've and possibly would've made it all the way to fashion week. I feel it is in the producers' best interest to allow Jack back on to the show next season, OR to give him another chance by putting him back in later. They have done it in the past, and they did it with Chris. He is so talented, and I feel he is such a positive role model for HIV positive, gay men and gay men in general.

Cheers to Jack, and poo the producers. Below I will leave you with one of his amazing videos on youtube. Hilarious.

Saturation

Last night my roommates and I were sitting in our living room watching some priceless television when we hear an all-to familiar sound. The drip drip drop of water coming through our ceiling fan and bathtub. I'm sick of it, really. If I could, I would turn the water off to the woman who lives above us. Ridiculous.

I'm now watching the Today show, and they're talking to a woman who is in charge of the Ford Models, and they asked her "Can you tell if someone will make it when they walk in the door?" She promptly replies, "Yes, and personality has nothing to do with it. You can tell if their features will work right away." It's funny because the woman wasn't so beautiful. Who decides what is beauty, what is sexy, what is model-accepted? Couldn't we just change the cameras or like something else in a model? Is it really just cheaper to make smaller clothes? Less fabric? Last night Phillip and I were having a discussion about gay men and their roles in defining masculinity/femininity. For if we are truly "acculturated" to think of certain things as masculine or feminine, these ideas must come from somewhere. Ideas of masculinity and femininity used to be learned in a setting such as Dance lessons, where one learned proper ettiquete, and ways to be masculine or feminine. Now, we look to television.

The idea of the feminine comes from the fashion. Who is, for the most part, in charge of fashion? The gay male is in many cases the head of fashion. There have always been dressmakers, costume designers, drapers, dance teachers, etc. The straight male is often "in charge" of the realm of masculinity, whereas the gay male is relegated to that of femininity. The ebb and flow of homophobia in western culture (and non-western cultures for that matter) is a good measure of the level of masculinity in a society. The less homophobic a culture is, the less gendered a society will seem. The recent rise of "metrosexuality" is, in my humble opinion, an attempt to degender a certain demographic.

As Phillip put it, the straight male is the one who loses. He has three options.
1) He has sex with a gay male
2) He lets the gay male define masculinity
3) He defines masculinity, leaving the gay male to define femininity and what is sexy to them.

I leave you with this thought. I am not trying to take away power from women, by any means, in this theory. It is just interesting where we learn our gender stereotypes? Are gay men acting like women, or are women acting like gay men? When will we all realize that gender stereotyping is just a waste of energy that we could be using to save the environment?

Wear a fricking jacket, you stupid teenagers!

Addendum

Today on my walk to work, it was 0 degrees and felt like negative 18 degrees.

I think California sounds better and better. Why do I live in this arctic hellhole?

I'm way tired.

Phosphorescent Rainbow

I'm more impressed that I actually spelled that word correctly on the first try than the rest of this blog. This weekend has come to a less-than spectacular close. It's eleven-eleven, and I've been noticing this time more and more. It seems I'm always looking at the clock when it's this time. Perhaps this just means I look too much at at time. My world is extremely reliant on time. I am scheduled for most of my day, if not by other people, then in my own mind. What would happen if I just tried to stop scheduling myself and just go places when I feel it's time. Would I sleep better? Would I be happier? Would I ever be at the right place at the right time? I think all the answers would be no...haha, at least at first. I would be too paranoid about time to let myself not think about it. Perhaps after a few weeks I could get used to it. Will I ever write anything interesting?

New paragraph. I'm working on my senior paper. I'd like to go to grad school somewhere. I have a few options and I'm trying to figure them out as I type this.

Option A:
U of Minnesota
American Studies PhD
Dance Studies Certificate
GLBT Grad Minor

UCLA
World Arts and Cultures: Culture and Performance PhD

UC Riverside
Dance History and Theory PhD

NYU
PhD in Performance Sudies

I will be making Pros and Cons lists of all these. I won't be applying until next year, when I'll have time and when I can take the GRE and prepare adequately for it. The perks to the U of M is that I'd get to work with Ananya, but each other place has other amazing faculty who I could also work with. It's just so much to think about at this time. What think you?

I want opinions...I also want to be able to dance, and U of M and NYU have the best options for finding a company to dance in while I'm in school. So many choices. California would be right next to my friend Kally, who I have not seen in quite some time.

Feedback please!

a bitch among men

So one of my jobs is a fashion expert at Express at Rosedale Mall in Roseville, MN. I hope this means you will not come try to find me and kill me at my mall or something. I doubt that it will happen, because anyone who reads this probably knows who I am. As I'm working today I start to realize my power as an obviously homosexual male. I'm wearing women's jeans, size 27...roughly size 4...a tight red long-sleeved T from American Apparel, and a cute Argyle vest from H&M. My shoes are a very smart black Steve Madden dress shoe. My title, fashion expert, implies that I have some sense of fashion to myself...I tend to think this is true, but when I look back just 4 years ago at pictures of myself I could question such a notion.

I used to think that Express was the height of male denim(and at that time, they made Denim Lab jeans, which, let's face it, were pretty hot.) I thought American Eagle was the height of fashion, and Abercrombie was too expensive for me. Since then, I have become familiar with the clothing store H&M, which for the first time, carried sizes that fit me appropriately. There were actually sizes too small for me. American Apparel was the same way for me. I no longer wear men's Express jeans, and I wear the women's, because my idea of how a jean should fit has changed. I feel a tighter, more designer look suits me better. Does this make me conceited? I don't know. I know it has opened the world of Diesel, Rock & Republic, True Religion, 7s, and Replays into my spectrum. I have since tried on a pair of Rock & Republic denim that is designed specifically for men which fit me the way I would like a jean to fit. The problem is they cost more than I would like to pay for a jean. Maybe I could get them at Nordstrom rack, but I don't want to wait that long. I am planning a Jean's fund where I put $25 in my savings account each paycheck until i have the 220 that they cost.

The reason I bring all this up is the fact that style is constantly changing. What is in, what is out, really doesn't matter much. I tis what looks best for you...what compliments you. I feel a person must wear things which compliment their figures, their personalities, and their age. I would rather look at someone who looks comfortable in a pair of sweats than a person who looks uncomfortable in a pair of skinny jeans. Just make it work! Love what you wear! Everyone can find a style! Long live H&M!!!!

Milkshakes and Lasagna

I'm currently watching the film Pulp Fiction, and I've never been more in the mood for a milkshake than right now. What brought this on? I'm not really sure. It could be that it's 1:21 a.m., and I just took some Tylenol P.M. I can feel the affects of it as I type this blog. I fear that I will want to delete this post tomorrow.

I think perhaps an issue I have with blogs is that they are deletable. So many written documents have been lost because someone threw it out or burned it. Why then, do we create such an option for a digital document? Are our thoughts so temporal that we must be able to prove that we never thought them? It seems to me that if there is infinite space for saving it, we should want a collective of these thoughts at some time. It does not do any good to attempt to forget what we have already thought or written, as it makes up part of what we are currently thinking. How presumptuous of someone to think (s)he can discard an experience or thought like a piece of trash. I'm not trying to be all weird. I'm not on drugs. I'm just tired.

This is a lame blog...I will try to write more when I am less tired, but I will not delete it.

yellow elephants

Last night I had a dream the world was ending. I know I played some role in it, and it was in the not-to distant future. It started when a meteor/asteroid fell from the sky and hit earth. It somehow messed up the Earth's magnetic field, which caused all the planes to fall down from the sky, and all the cars and basically every motorized vehicle to explode. It was terrifying and a lot of people died. Planes just started falling out of the skies and crashing. Everyone on the ground was freaked out...I could replay the memory in my dream quite a few times. It was disturbing. But I could transport to this other dementson which would go back before the asteroid and I could change it, but I didn't know how. I could make it go to a different place...I wasn't sure why or how, but I was changing the end of the world. I could see it all happen from above in this spaceship like place. It was sort of trippy. I woke up very restless...like I had not slept at all. I hope to go that something like this does not come to pass. I don't really even think it's possible.

For all of those who love good music... last.fm is a great device where you can create playlists, and listen to them whenever you want. I love it. It's amazing.

I just got hit with a wave of tiredness, must not fall asleep, but will probably go off and watch some random romantic comedie until I cry myself silly and eat a lb of cookie dough.

I thought I needed a man, but what I really need is a treadmill.

post-gym thoughts

So it's 1:26 a.m. right now. Just got home from the gymnase. I'm pretty sure the English language could start getting rid of the personal pronoun I to introduce sentences when listing events that have happened. I feel the context speaks for itself. It could be like (you) understood -- I, understood. I like it...who would be the authority on this decision? I suppose I could contact some British official, but the American Language doesn't have quite the system of L'Acadamie Francaise. I'm not a purist by any means when it comes to language, but shouldn't we have some sort of policing agent? Should words like wOOt be allowed in our dictionary? I found this little tidbit interesting: This was the number one word of 2007 according to Merriam-Webster Online. Just as a reference, number two was facebook.

1. w00t (interjection)

expressing joy (it could be after a triumph, or for no reason at all); similar in use to the word "yay"

So I started this blog thinking I would talk about gay men and their gym habits. Why do so many of us spend so much time at the gym? Why do those who don't wish they had the time/money/motivation to go to the gym? Couldn't a nice walk around a lake, a good run outside, or perhaps even a sport/dance class/yoga class be just as if not more beneficial socially, physically, and (oh no) spiritually? When I was dancing at least 5 hours a day, I still felt the need to go to a gym....why? I don't know. Really, I want to understand perfection, I suppose

I don't mean to criticize, but is the pressure for gay men to be thin and beautiful stronger than that for women? I'm not sure. The trends of eating disorders are shifting, and I fear the "ideal" gay male body is becoming smaller and smaller. What for I ask?

Alright, I'm going to be done now. I'm tired and may need to sleep. I have to go to work at Express tomorrow...

My Myspace Blog 11/8/07

What does it mean to be queer?

After discussing Judith Butler's essay on Performativity and Citationality in relation to sex (as in male and female) in my Theorizing the Dancing Body class, I find myself questioning the importance of the "hard sciences". I will try my best to summarize the argument, first, and then go deeper into my thoughts. Judith Butler states that sexual difference is part of the regulatory practice that produces the very bodies it governs. We cite things in order to substantiate and add weight to an argument, or to stabilize it. The process of sexual difference could therefore be seen as the reiteration of a set of norms. What becomes the norm is only brought about by the repetitions and iterations which reaffirm the said norm. We, therefore produce the norm, which becomes law. It is not true that we exist outside of the law or because of the law. We produce the very law that governs the way we are produced. In effect, what we consider as demarcations for sex are produced, much like gender -- not in the same way as gender, but as unstably as gender. Because the historicity of sexual difference is dissimulated in itself, we see the bifurcation of sex as a "natural" occurrence. Natural, however, must be produced...at least the idea of it. Just because we cannot see when it is produced, does not mean it is not produced and has always been that way.

It is through this performativity and continual citationality that certain conventions and norms are established. If there were to be only two sexes, then why does intersex exist? Is such an occurrence a freak of nature, or unnatural? I think not. What Butler tries to examine is the level of agency which is given to certain groups. The concept of hegemony is exceedingly more clear after conceptualizing Butler's thesis. When such a concept of natural is repeated enough, or cited enough, or performed enough, it becomes the norm, which creates a minoritative (i think i just invented a word) or deviant group. This group, of course, has the choice to attempt to conform to the norm, but it must realize that it is only the norm because it is being produced that way. We walk on our legs because we have two of them, but our arms could also be used to walk if we were on all fours. We are products of culture.

How, then, does this relate to homosexuality? It is not without much care that I relate this, for it could easily be taken the wrong way and used against homosexuality, in fact it could be used to criminalize it if used unintelligently. The idea that hetersexuality is produced through performativity and citationality, means that homosexuality is also produced. It is only in the context of heterosexual as normal does the idea of the production of homosexuality become problematic. It is the homosexual who is the deviant, who does not fit into the norm, or the natural. This idea that heterosexuality is natural and therefore stable (or right) is going back to Butler's statement about who has agency. If homosexuality were the norm, heterosexuality would be viewed as the deviant, and therefore an unstable sexuality.

Brand New Adventure

The time has come, my little chickadees, to start a brand new blog yet again. I know I have done this many times, but I think this really will be the one and only last time ;). haha, you know that will never be the case.

I will explain a little bit about myself. I am a 5th year senior at the University of Minnesota studying Dance and GLBT studies. I want to go to grad school to study Queer Theory and dance and become a scholar/professor. I want to make a difference and give queer readings to those things which are not known. I want to re-write the queer history of modern dance from a male perspective. I'm completely ambitious.

I love Judith Butler and everything she stands for. I've become quite the feminist in my studies, which I never would have thought possible. I am a gender/sex/sexuality theorist most specifically. I am also interested in the performativity of the homosexual on and off stage. It's so interesting who we are and what part we play. The role of the gay male throughout history is most intriguing. I plan to graduate from college Fall 08, and I would love to dance in the area.

I also love fashion, music, musical theater, all that is drama-filled, and everything fun and ridiculous. I'm a big nerd, and I'm pretty sure Harry Potter is my christ. I'm mostly athiest, and my blogs may tend to go that way, but I promise I'll not shy away from any religious friends. I definitely have my share.

I hope this blog can be a good place for me to vent, try things out, and really dig deeper. I'm going to put one of my queer theory blogs that I originally posted on myspace on here for a taste of my writing. It's way wordy, but I think most of it makes sense.